First The Worst…….

In June of 2016 at 2 in the afternoon we got a phone call from CAS for a five month old little girl.  This happened to be on a day when both kids had spent the day at home.  Ella was suppose to go gymnastics but the prospect of a new baby girl kept her home kept her home.  This would be our first placement.

Her Arrival

Bear was sleeping when she arrived.  The worker told me that she had just fallen asleep but had been crying most of the drive.   She was still catching her breath while sleeping.  She was a beautiful little baby.  Bear came with a giant bag and a giant box of toys clothes and diapers.

As she slept the worker and I figured out a visitation schedule.

My kiddos, who were five and seven, and doted on her every whim.  There was always someone to hold her, to feed her, to smile at her and cuddle her.

The Following Days

I had forgotten what it was like to have a baby.  All of the diapers and spit up and changing clothes.  Plus bottles!!  Neither of my kids really took to bottles so I never realized the upkeep of cleaning them and always making sure they are ready……

I think it was Bear’s third night here.  It was about 2 o’clock in the morning and she was screaming bloody murder.  I couldn’t get her to settle.  Nothing made her happy.  No amount of rocking or bottles or cuddling was helping.  It was about 40 minutes in and I wondered to myself ‘what the hell do you think you are doing???  what right do you have thinking that you can raise someone else’s child???’  I was ready to give up.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  The next day in a sleep deprived state I turned to Google.  All it took was a simple change in bottles to reduce the amount of gas she got when she was eating and her night time crying disappeared.

Time Passes

The next 4 months was filled with missed visits by her parents.  One or two of the three visits a week.  There was always a reason.  None were ever good enough to me.   We had grown to love and adore this little girl as our own.  She got the nickname Bear early on.  When she would cry she sounded like a little bear.

Blindside

We were told in September that if she wasn’t home by December that the agency would be seeking Crown Ward. This meant if no kin came forward we would be able to adopt her.

The days passed on and in mid-December we were told they were planning to transition her home. We were devastated. To us it made no sense as she had the best chance at a happy well balanced life but to the agency it is always bio parents first. Although I have come to appreciate this more over time, when we got the news initially and her being our first placement we were heartbroken. For 10 months she was our baby girl and we had to say goodbye.

Her parents were very kind and sent us an updated photo album a short time ago.

Part of me would like to have kept in contact and see her once in a while but I think it would be too hard.    In my heart she was my baby girl.

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