I picked up Pumpkin’s ashes last week. In the last couple weeks I was doing really well. I was holding it together. When I called the vet to see when his urn would be in yesterday and I didn’t cry. But as I got closer and closer to Georgetown it all came creeping back. My chest got tight and my breathing was shallow. I pulled in the parking lot and cried. Paul called and offered to go pick him up after dinner. I was there, I just needed to buck up and go in there.
Once I got back in the car I cried. And cried. And cried. I started to head home and started to think about how sad/weird it was that Pumpkin was with me but he wasn’t. He was in the seat beside me, but not. All I have left are the memories we shared. Then I got to thinking about what would happen when I die. What do I want my kids to do with my remains? How do I want my kids to remember me? Do I want to be put in a box and buried in the ground? Did I want them to have an urn of my ashes on their mantle?
I have told the kids to cremate me spread my ashes. Don’t hold on to the past. That goes for my organs too. Donate what you can!! Go nuts. I don’t need them where I’m going. I’m gone and I’m not coming back. I will live on through the moments where you teach your child to bake like we baked. When you go for a 20-minute walk that ends up taking an hour and a half because they stop and look at everything. That is where I will be.
You have probably seen the memorial trees that you can have your ashes put in. This is more my speed. The life that I had, put into new life. I don’t want them to feel obligated to visit my engraved rock. Or to find a spot for me on their shelf.
But on that same note, here I sit with Pumpkin on a shelf. Somehow I am ok with keeping his ashes on a mantle but not really concerned what the kids end up doing with mine. I don’t want them to hold on to physical things, I want them to keep their memories. And to use the moments we had together to make new memories.
As a side note our vet clinic in Georgetown is amazing. They were always so wonderful with Pumpkin. Dr Evan was the first doctor Pumpkin saw there and even though it was his day off he came in to be the last vet he saw.
They even did nose and paw prints for us. The company that does the cremations also did paw print impressions that are beautiful. We ended up getting 3. I am going to make shadow boxes for each of the kids for their rooms and one for the living room.